| My grandfather
always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I
was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
(Jackie Mason) |
| Last night I
went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front
door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a
row!" (Steven Wright) |
| A guy joins a
monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every
seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask
for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven
more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears
his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more
years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s
not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you
got here." |
| I went to my
doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is
talking about it." (Garry Shandling) |
| A car hits a
Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The
guy says: "I make a good living." (Henny Youngman) |
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is
your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything
you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies,
"Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays
three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
|