Humor in the Courts Of Law of This Great Land


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
  things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
  published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
  these
  exchanges were actually taking place.
 
 
 
  ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 
  WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
  ____________________________________________________________________
  ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
  WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
  ______________________________________
  ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
  WITNESS: Yes.
  ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
  WITNESS: I forget.
  ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
  forgot?
  ________________________________________________________________________
  ___
  ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
  voodoo?
  WITNESS: We both do.
  ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
  WITNESS: We do.
  ATTORNEY: You do?
  WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
 
  ______________________________________
  ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
  sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
  WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 
  ____________________________________
  ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
  WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
  ________________________________________
  ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
  WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
  ______________________________________
  ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
  WITNESS: Yes.
  ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
  WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
  ______________________________________
  ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
  WITNESS: Yes.
 
  ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
  WITNESS: None.
  ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
  WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
  attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
  ______________________________________
  ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
  WITNESS: By death.
  ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
  WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
  ______________________________________
  ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
  WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
  ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
  WITNESS: Guess.
  _____________________________________
 
  ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
  notice which I sent to your attorney?
  WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
  ______________________________________
  ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
  people?
  WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
  to rephrase that?
  ______________________________________
  ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
   to?
  WITNESS: Oral.
  ______________________________________
 
  ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
  WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
  ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
  WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
  autopsy on him!
 
  ______________________________ ______________
  ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
  WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
 
  ______________________________________
 
 
 
 
 
 
  And the best for last:
  ______________________________________
  ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
  pulse?
  WITNESS: No.
 
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
  WITNESS: No.
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
  WITNESS: No.
  ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
  began the autopsy?
  WITNESS: No.
  ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
  WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
  ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
   nevertheless?
 
  WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
  practicing law.